I am ALL for bad ideas. Bad movies, bad themed restaurant gimmicks, bad science fiction movies; these, and more unmentioned examples, are the wheels that run my car of interests, off a cliff of excitement, into my trench of likes. And that is the lone idea that has kept this Vanilla Ice commemorative Doll on my shelf and out of my trash can for so many years.

I received this V.I. doll, not to be confused with the V.I.(venereal disease) doll, “Little Whorephan Fannie,” as a gift, and what a gift it was. If you get close enough to it, as I have taken a closer picture to showcase, he even has little lines in his hair. This little son-of-a-whitey has been given every little touch of detail to recreate the magic that is Mr. Ice’s unique style. The only real difference between the Doll and the actual Vanilla Ice is that the Doll hasn’t performed at the Gathering of the Juggalo’s Festival. Yet….

So why do I like this doll so much? Simple; IT WAS A VERY BAD IDEA TO MAKE AND DISTRIBUTE.

Who would sign off on this? I couldn’t think of a worse time to market musicians to children than the late 80’s. Everyone was coked out, materialistic and boring. Whats next, a Rick James action figure with attachable cocaine pinky nail and bitch strangling kung-fu grip? I mean, clearly they were trying to squeeze all the juice they could get out of this talentless hick before he dried up and no one cared about him, but a fucking Vanilla Ice doll? Do you know who buy’s dolls? LITTLE GIRLS and HIGH FUNCTIONING AUTISTIC PEOPLE. And coincidentally, they’re both just going to drool on it.

It seems like such a terrible idea, as a parent, to buy the Vanilla Ice doll for your child. Sometimes being a popular pop star doesn’t inherrantly make you a good role model. Look at Lindsey Lohan and ALF; one was a lazy, mutant like creature that mooched off its family and ate cats, and the other was a popular Puppet from an 80’s sitcom. The point is, no matter how much your child begged and pleaded for the doll, you should have put your foot down and said, “NO, your life will be so much better without Vanilla Ice in it.”

If you’re having a hard time relating with the fictional parent from the late 80’s I’ve created, imagine over hearing this conversation the next time you’re in TOYS R US…

“MOM! I NEED THE KID ROCK DOLL! IT COMES WITH A SILVERY COWBOY HAT AND PRESCRIPTION PILLS! MOM I WANT TO BE AN AMERICAN BAD ASS!!!!”

Sure, if they put the kibosh on the production of the Doll, i’d never have one, and i’d never had made this entry, and maybe you’d never of read it and actually got some work done JULIA VICKERMAN AND SAYAKE PAGE.

But would I trade owning the Vanilla Ice doll for a world that never had one? Maybe people would have never had it buried deep in their subconscious that the only things that mattered in this world were nice cars, ho’s and dance breaks. Maybe people would have given up on mainstream rap and its negative side effect on society and focused on more important matters.

Probably not though. People always gravitate to banal, mediocre, flashy things. Look at Dancing with the Stars or Lady Gaga. But don’t look at Lady Gaga too long, your eyes might get Hepatitis C.

But on the bright side, I’ll never have a shortage of one of my favorite things; terrible, horrible, useless, Bad Ideas.