stuff i got

Dear Vin, 

My name is Evan Sinclair and I am a writer. I don’t call myself an “aspiring” writer any more because one of my scripts, “Horny Dudes,” was bought this year and I’m told it will be turned into a major motion picture late 2012. I’m also told that the guy who played Stiffler’s little brother in “American Pie 3” will play the lead character, Brody, a sexually frustrated high school freshman with a BIG* secret. (*he has HUMONGOUS balls!) Because of my recent success, I feel VERY comfortable approaching you in this manner. Although “Horney Dudes” is a comedy, I’ve also got a lot of experience in writing action/adventure movies, which brings me to my point. I’ve written another script called, “Special Ops: The Buddy Reynolds Saga,” and I believe you are the only man who can take on the lead role. “Special Ops” is a completely unique action/adventure movie in that it is the FIRST and ONLY action/adventure movie where it’s lead character, Buddy Reynolds, is mentally disabled. But what he lacks in basic social skills and comprehension, he more than makes up in muscles. Vin, I know you’re probably rolling your eyes right now, thinking, “Evan, how could I, VIN DIESEL, play someone with learning disabilities!? I mean look at me, what about my child-like, bald and doughy face on top of this unusually strong frame could possibly play as retarded?” To that, I would reply, “First off Vin, no one says retarded anymore, it’s offensive and I insist you apologize to your fans immediately. Second, playing a mentally disabled person is a GREAT career move. Look at Tom Hanks, Sean Penn or Matt Damon. And lastly, let the work speak for itself.” You’ll probably lean back in your rattan chair after I say that and give me your “I’m listening” face you made a couple times in “Fast 5.” So now that “you’re listening,” here is the last scene of “Special Ops: The Buddy Reynolds Saga.” 

EXT. SPANISH FORTRESS - DAY

Buddy Reynolds holds onto Bridgette, who is still badly burnt and bruised from being held as a sex slave by the evil drug lord Zane. Around them lay hundreds of the slain guerrilla soldiers slaughtered by Buddy and his surprising strength.  Bridgette weeps softly into Buddy’s tremendous pectorals, as he pets her hair like a kitty or bunny. Zane trembles on the floor, clutching the gunshot wound in his stomach as blood GUSHES and OOZES out. 

BUDDY

Pretty lady OK? 

BRIDGETTE

Thank you Buddy, I’m better now. I’m ready to go home.

ZANE

Buddy Reynolds! You bastard! You’ll pay for this!

BUDDY

I’m sleepy, can I have a nap?

BRIDGETTE

I don’t think this is the best ti…

Before Bridgette can finish her sentence, Buddy collapses to the floor and is fast asleep, like a bag of sleepy potatoes. 

Zane laughs hysterically and rolls onto his knees, he draws a knife from his leather jacket and begins crawling toward Bridgette. 

ZANE

Ha! It worked! I put cyanide capsules in his cup of apple sauce! Now, how about another quick one, for old time sakes? Ha! Ha! Ha!

Zane crawls faster and faster at Bridgette, she shrieks!

BRIDGETTE

Buddy! Please help! 

Zane grabs Bridgette’s ankle, but before he can do anything else, he is pulled back by HIS ankle! Buddy, standing tall, has Zane by the foot and hoists him into the air, holding him upside down like a freshly caught fish. 

BUDDY

I played a joke! I wasn’t sleepy, NOT ONE BIT!

Buddy spins Zane over his head like a lasso and throws him into a tree. Zane lands on the ground, his knife now dug deep into his throat. Zane rolls onto his back and blood GURGLES out of his mouth.

ZANE

But…but…How? You…ate..cyanide…pill!

Buddy holds up two apple sauce containers, one is empty and one is full. Bridgette hugs his massive arm. 

Zane can’t believe what he sees, he is shocked.

BUDDY

What do you think I am….

Buddy holds up a grenade and pulls the pin. He tosses it into Zane’s lap.

BUDDY (CONT’D)

…retarded?

Zane EXPLODES, guts and blood rain down from the sky. Buddy begins laughing and playing around in the blood, sticking his tongue out.  

BUDDY (CONT’D)

It’s raining! Yummy!

Bridgette stops Buddy immediately and pulls him in for a kiss. The two passionately embrace while the hot Guatemalan sun sets behind them. 

BUDDY (CONT’D)

He was a BAD, BAD man. 

END.  

Vin, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read this. Please write me back with ANY notes you may have, as it is my goal to make “Special Ops: The Buddy Reynolds Saga” as good as it could possibly be.

Namaste,

Evan Sinclair.